DUCKY: Good grief, Jethro. Put that weapon down. I’ve had enough excitement for tonight. Ari abducts me. Gerald strips my gears. And now you play chicken on a wet street.

DUCKY: Hey! Do you even know the difference between good and bad cholesterol, Tony?
TONY: No. But I’m assuming it has something to do with taste.
DUCKY: Bad is what came back on your last blood test. (TO MCGEE) Dispose of this.
TONY: Hey hey hey. That cost me sixteen bucks, that pizza.
DUCKY: You’ll thank me when you’re my age.
MCGEE: But you eat pizza all the time.
DUCKY: Exactly.
TONY: I don’t really see the connection here.
DUCKY: Well, of course you wouldn’t. You’re not a doctor.

DUCKY: Have you ever spent an evening with a young lady and failed to remember it, Mister Palmer? Oh, what was I thinking? Of course not.

DUCKY: She invited me out for cocktails tomorrow evening. I was forced to decline.
JIMMY: Why? She seemed nice.
DUCKY: Oh she’s more than nice. But how do you tell a woman that you have absolutely no mental recollection of her whatsoever?
JIMMY: I suppose one could always lie.
DUCKY: Have you been spending time with Agent DiNozzo again?

GIBBS: See what you can get, Duck. He’s trapped in there pretty good.
DUCKY: Oh, we’ll do our best. But I hope you brought more appropriate footwear, Mister Palmer. Our journey to our Petty Officer looks rather challenging.
JIMMY: Don’t worry, Doctor. I have a merit badge in hiking.
DUCKY: I have a driver’s license, Mister Palmer. It doesn’t mean I turn up at Indianapolis in my Morgan.

DUCKY: Mister Palmer, I’m sure our mystery guest would appreciate it if you could concentrate all your efforts on helping me to discover the cause of his demise, rather than obsessing on how you will look in shorts this weekend.
JIMMY: Sorry, Doctor.
DUCKY: Actually, I found the ladies tend to be sympathetic towards visible injury.
JIMMY: Really?
DUCKY: Yes. My first year in college I suffered an unfortunate injury to my testicles. The excruciating pain was offset by an impressive swelling, which Ramona Kincaid, bless her heart, found extremely fascinating.

DUCKY: I was thinking of something with a little more historical significance. The landings at Normandy, for example.
JIMMY: Oh D-Day.
DUCKY: Yes. You know, the fighting went far beyond the beaches, lasted for weeks. My uncle was there, Major Monty Mallard. Yes, fatigued and injured, he turned to his troops and said…
GIBBS: The French wine in this particular region is terribly overrated.
DUCKY: Anyone would think you’d heard that story before.

DUCKY: I’m assuming this is urgent. I’ve waited three months to see Giselle.
GIBBS: Yeah, apologies about the girlfriend, Duck. But I do need you to…
SHEPARD: Giselle’s a ballet, Gibbs. You really should get out of your basement more, Jethro.

DUCKY: Yes, well however you get home, I suggest a couple of aspirin… yes, and perhaps some scotch.
GIBBS: I thought doctors weren’t supposed to prescribe alcohol anymore, Duck.
DUCKY: Well, it always seems to work for you.
GIBBS: Did you get tickets to that gazelle thing again?
DUCKY: It’s Giselle, Jethro. And no, that’s not tonight.

DUCKY: Family does have a way of fraying one’s nerves. Take my mother, for instance. She insists on watching Jeopardy every night on the television.
TONY: What’s wrong with that, Duck?
DUCKY: The same episode. Over and over again. I made the mistake of taping it for her once.

DUCKY: You did me a favor tonight, Jethro. Tonight is Smack Down night at the Mallard residence. Can you believe it? Mother’s favorite television program. Wrestling.
JIMMY: Mine, too! I love the WWE.
DUCKY: I haven’t the heart to tell her it’s not real.

DUCKY: I’m sorry we were so late, Jethro. Mister Palmer’s navigating skills still leave something to be desired.
JIMMY: Honestly, Doctor, I thought that moss grew on the south side of trees.
DUCKY: It does in Australia.

GIBBS: What do you got?
DUCKY: Hopefully not pneumonia. That could be the death of me.
GIBBS: I’m talking about the dead guy, Duck.

GIBBS: This pond’s barely six feet deep.
DUCKY: Yes, I once conducted an autopsy on a man who drowned in his kitchen sink. Yes, apparently he couldn’t loosen the drain plug and he attempted to use his teeth.

DUCKY: I supposed a “bless you” is too much to ask for.
JIMMY: Oh, bless you, Doctor.
DUCKY: I wasn’t talking to you, Mister Palmer. You know, the interesting thing about the sternutatory reflex is that no one knows exactly when it first began. Many theories abound…
GIBBS: And you know them all, don’t you, Doctor Mallard?
DUCKY: Know them? I once wrote a sonnet on the subject for an old flame. She suffered from the most horrendous allergies. Yes, how did it go? “Doth thy heart skip a beat when…”
GIBBS: I’m not a big fan of poetry, Duck.
DUCKY: Well, as it turned out, neither was she.

DUCKY: What exactly are you two doing?
JIMMY: Oh, Doctor Mallard! I uh… um… the thing is, I… she made me do it!
DUCKY: Well, everything seems to be in order. Why don’t you begin, Mister Palmer, while I get changed?
JIMMY: You’re… you’re not mad?
DUCKY: Work cannot stop, Mister Palmer, because my mother’s nurse elects to abandon us on a Saturday morning. I applaud your initiative.
ABBY: So what’d you do with your mom?
VICTORIA: Donald! You promised me we were going for a ride!
DUCKY: We did go for a ride, Mother.
VICTORIA: Oh, well very well. You drive too fast, Donald. Is that our housekeeper?
DUCKY: Mother, Mrs. Leary left for Ireland ten years ago.
JIMMY: Hello, Mrs. Mallard!
VICTORIA: Oh. Ask the boy to pour me a drink.
DUCKY: We’re not at home, Mother. And Jimmy is not a servant.
VICTORIA: Very well. I shall do it myself.
DUCKY: Abby, would you do me a favor? I mean, just until we finish?
VICTORIA: Oh, have you seen….
ABBY: Of course. Mrs. Mallard? Would you like to see my mass spectrometer?
VICTORIA: What a charming young lady. Of course I would, my dear. What is a mass speedometer? Does it move very fast?

VICTORIA: Hippopotamus amphibious. The river horse. I once swam with them while I was on safari in Kenya. Oh, dear. My apologies.
ABBY: Oh, no. That’s Bert, the hippo. He’s supposed to do that.
VICTORIA: Really? How delightful! Reminds me of my bagpipe-playing days. Did you know that without those longshoremen tattoos and that dog collar, you are the exact spitting image of my sister Gloria?
ABBY: Thank you.
VICTORIA: I hated her. She once tried to sleep with my late husband while he was still alive.
DUCKY: Mother! I’m sure Abigail doesn’t want to hear any more of our family troubles.
ABBY: It’s fine, Ducky. We’re having a good time.
DUCKY: Brain tissue. I need a full rundown on that.
VICTORIA: Donald, did you sleep with her?
DUCKY: Mother, please!
VICTORIA: Honestly, it’s about time I had some grandchildren. He isn’t getting any younger. You need to move fast.

JIMMY: I’m so sorry, Doctor Mallard. I just turned my back for a second.
DUCKY: Not to worry, Jimmy. I lose her all the time.
JIMMY: She’s really fast for her age.
DUCKY: Yes, I’ll call security.
VICTORIA: Yes, you may find it hard to believe, but Donald was the cutest child. He had long, curly blond hair. Everybody thought he was a girl until he was twelve… when his voice changed.
DUCKY: Mister Palmer, will you chain my mother to the chair while I tell Agent Gibbs what I found?
VICTORIA: I’m still waiting for that drink, Leonard!

DUCKY: I’ve been traveling to crime scenes for a great many years, but I can say with complete confidence, this is the shortest commute I have ever had.
JIMMY: And one of the first times I didn’t get us lost.
DUCKY: True.

DUCKY: Yes, as my father used to say, “We must live for today, because yesterday is gone, and tomorrow may never come.”
JIMMY: Wow, that’s really beautiful, Doctor.
DUCKY: Yes, unfortunately, he never practiced what he preached. He was always a bit of a penny-pincher, a Papa Scrooge, if you like. That was one reason that he and my mother went their separate ways.
JIMMY: Yeah, most people don’t know this, but financial disputes are the second leading cause of divorce.
DUCKY: Really? What’s number one?
GIBBS: Marriage.

JIMMY: Who would sit on an explosive?
DUCKY: Someone who didn’t know they were sitting on the explosive.
JIMMY: Of course.
DUCKY: I did it myself once. No twice. The first time I was young. The second time, foolish.
JIMMY: Why were you sitting on an explosive, Doctor?
DUCKY: I just told you I was young and foolish. Haven’t you been listening?

DUCKY: I’m disappointed, Jethro. The last time someone forgot me I was a baby. My mother left me on the ferry from Orkney to John O’Groats. She was on the bus halfway to Thurso before she missed me. I’ve often wondered if I inspired the Liechtenstein t-shirt.
GELFAND: “Oh, god! I left the baby on the bus.”